I Watch the Star Trek Franchise So You Don’t Have To: Star Trek: The Motion Picture

For all you Star Trek fans out there, here it is. Andrew and I watched the first Star Trek movie and let me tell you, it was a bit boring in the beginning. Sorry. I know NOTHING about Star Trek except for the names Captian Kirk and Spock, and I watch the Hulu show The Orville which is based off of Star Trek. That’s pretty much it. Anyway, we got a lot of movies to get to in this franchise so let’s start with movie number one: Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 1979

We’re in the 23rd century and we are shown a Starfleet monitioring station, Epsilon Nine. The station detects an alien entity hidden in a massive cloud of energy as it moves through space towards Earth. The cloud destroys three of the Klingon Empire’s new warships when they fire on it and disintegrates Epsilon Nine when it tries to investigate.

On Earth, the starship Enterprise is undergoing a redesign. Its former commanding officer, James Kirk, has been promoted to Admiral and works in San Francisco as Chief of Starfleet Operations. Starfleet Command assigns Enterprise to intercept the cloud entity, as the ship is the only one within range, requiring its new systems to be tested in transit.

Star Trek: the Motion Picture, 1979

So now Kirk gets on the ship and uses his authority to take command of the ship, which makes Capitan Decker all mad because he’s been overseeing the redesign as its new commanding officer. Meaning, he knows the ins and outs of this ship, but who cares Kirk is the capitan now. Testing of Enterprise’s new systems goes poorly and two officers, including the science officer are killed by a malfunctioning transporter, and improperly calibrated engines nearly destroy the ship.

So now there is more tension between Kirk and Decker because, well, Decker knows more about the ship than Kirk does. Kirk demotes Decker to commander and first officer and then Spock shows up! In the beginning of this film, we saw Spock with I guess his group/tribe (I’m sorry Star Trek Fans) and they were doing this ritual to purge himself of emotion and then he felt a consciousness idk. Spock becomes the new science officer and tells the crew that he believes the consciousness he felt emanates from a cloud. I know nothing about Spock, I just know his name haha…so basically this consciousness made him unable to complete this ritual because his human half felt an emotional connection to it. That is why Spock is here. He’s here to get answers and answers he shall get.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 1979

Enterprise intercepts the energy cloud and is attacked by an alien vessel within. This is when the movie starts to actually get interesting. When this happens, a probe appears on the bridge, attacking Spock and abducting the navigator, Ilia. I’m pretty sure she isn’t human. She is replaced by a robotic replica, sent by the entity, which calls itself “V’Ger”, to study the humans on the ship. Decker is freaking out because he and Ilia had a thing and now she’s basically dead. He becomes troubled as he attempts to extract information from the robot, which, we find out, has Ilia’s memories and feelings buried inside. Spock goes into space to the vessel’s interior and attempts to mind meld with it and learns that V’Ger is a machine.

So, V’Ger is trying to find the “Creator” of Earth and when we finally get to Earth, the machine tries to get in contact with the Creator, but no one answers, because, well, there is no creator. So, just before Earth is about to be destroyed, Kirk negotiates with it and is taken to the center of the massive ship with Decker, Spock and Bones, He’s the chief medical officer. V’Ger is revealed to be Voyager 6, a 20th-century Earth space probe believed lost in a black hole. The damaged probe was found by an alien race of living machines that interpreted its programming instructions to learn all that can be learned and return that information to its creator as literal.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 1979

The machines upgraded the probe to fulfill its mission, and on its journey, the probe gathered so much knowledge that it achieved sentience. Spock discovers that V’Ger lacks the ability to give itself purpose other than its original mission; having learned what it could on its journey home, it finds its existence meaningless. Before transmitting all its information, V’Ger insists that the “Creator” come in person to finish the sequence. This frustrated me. Like. I feel like the machine is smart enough to be told there is no creator and this is what it was really supposed to be used for. But, nope, we’re just not going to say anything. Everyone realizes humans are the Creator, so Decker offers himself to V’Ger and merges with the Ilia probe and V’Ger. This creates a new life form that disappears into space. With Earth saved, Kirk directs Enterprise out to space for future misisons. The end.

This movie was two hours and 15 minutes long. The first hour and a half were VERY boring. It was all talking, a lot of visual scenes and no action. This movie was made in 1979, so, I’ll cut it some slack, but I’m really hoping the next movies get better as the years progress. The last half was interesting because we were trying to figure out who this V’Ger was and then finding out it was from NASA 300 years ago. I’m excited to see how the rest of the franchise is. The lesson I learned from this film: If you’re going to put something in space, make sure you get it back, because if you don’t it could create a mind of it’s own.

Next movie: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

I Watch The DC Extended Universe So You Don’t Have To: Man of Steel

This week we are diving into a superhero franchise and it’s not the MCU. Sorry. This week we are going to check out the DC Extended Universe, which for those who have no idea what I’m talking about, this is with Superman and Batman NOT Spider-Man or Iron Man or Hulk. While these movies aren’t even close to the MCU films, they’re entertaining enough and if you haven’t watched Peacemaker yet on HBO Max, I reccomend you do, because they redeemed themselves with this show. Anyway, Man of Steel is all about Superman, so if you didn’t know anything about him before, now you will. If this is your first time seeing a Superman movie, watch the original Superman movies first.

The movie starts out on the planet Krypton as it is falling apart and coming close to being destroyed. Just before the planet explodes, Krypton’s supreme council chief advisor Jor-El Superman’s dad infuses the genetics code into his son, Kal-El Superman. Kal-El is the first naturally born Kryptonian child in centuries, because all of the people on this planet are artifically born. Jor-El manages to send Kal-El to Earth before being killed by General Zod during an uprising. This is like the worst time to have an uprising but okay. Kal-El lands in Kansas, where he is adopted by Jonathan and Martha Kent. They name Kal-El, Clark.

As Clark gets older, he developes all of his super powers, but Jonathan urges him to hide them. He even refuses Clark’s help years later during a tornado incidient where he losses his life. Like I get that, but no. If my son has super powers and he can save my life, he’s saving my life. Burdened with guilt over his father’s death, Clark travels across the globe seeking a purpose in life, as he works at many establishments under different names.

We then meet Lois Lane my girl Amy Adams let’s go! who recieves an assignment to investigate the discovery of a Kryptonian scout ship in the Canadian Arctic. Clark, who somehow got a job accompanying them, enters the ship and learns from its AI, modeled after his biological father, Jor-El, that Clark was sent to Earth to guide its people. While following Clark, Lois inadvertenty triggers the ship’s security system. This bish tried taking pictures. The system starts to attack her and Clark uses his powers to rescue Lois from its defenses. This ship is also where he gets his iconic Superman uniform.

Unable to convince her editor, Perry White, to publish an article about the incident, Lois tracks down Clark in Smallville, with the intent of exposing him. Loser. However, Lois drops the story after hearing about Jonathan’s sacrifice. She keeps Clark’s identity safe, which fuels Perry’s suspicions.

So now we got Zod and his crew, who somehow escaped from the Phantom Zone or prison. They travel to Earth to turn it into a new Krypton, as they have a bunch of terraforming devices from Kryptonian outposts. Basically they’re going to try to make Earth Krypton by changing the atmosphere. Following Clark and Lois’ capture, Zod’s science officer, Jax-Ur, extracts Clark’s genes to create Kryptonian colonists who will build a society based on Zod’s ideals of genetic purity. So, if you didn’t catch what I said in the beginning, Clark’s biological dad, put all of the DNA of the Kryptonians in Clark’s body. Using the Jor-El AI to take over the ship, because Jor-El’s consciousness is still alive Clark and Lois flee and warn the U.S. military of Zod’s plan, resulting in an explosive confrontation between Clark and Zod.

So, I haven’t noticed it until Andrew pointed it out to me while watching the film, but there is SO much destruction in this movie its crazy. Metropolis literally looks like an atomic bomb blew it up. Anyway. Zod deployes his most powerful terraforming device, the World Engine, which, like I said before, severly damages Metropolis and puts humanity’s existences at risk. Clark is finally given the name “Superman” as he destroys the terraforming platform while the military launches a suicide attack, sending Zod’s troops back to the Phantom Zone. ha. With the ship destroyed and Krypton’s only hope of revival gone, Zod vowes to destroy Earth and its inhabitants out of revenge. Get in line my dude, everyone is trying to destroy Earth. Which, why is that? How do these villians even know about Earth?

The two Kryptonians engange in a lenghty battle across Metropolis, destroying it even more, until Clark is forced to kill Zod as he attacks a family at a train station. Clark adopts the name “Superman” and persuades the government to let him act independently, under the condition he does not turn against humanity. To gain covert access to dangerous situations, he takes a job under his civillian identity, Clark, as a freelance reporter for the “Daily Planet”. And how does he disguise himself you ask? He wears glasses. GLASSES. You’re telling me everyone on this planet except Lois and Martha aren’t going to recgonize that he’s Superman?! *sigh*. The end.

This movie, I felt, went really fast with the love story of Lois and Clark. I also don’t know how I feel about Clark getting a job at the Daily Planet after the events of what happened. I liked how the old Superman movies were where he hid his identity for a long period of time and Lois wanted to know who Superman was and she would like constantly try to take his glasses off. I don’t know it was just better. This movie wasn’t terrible, but the original ones were, of course, better. The lesson I learned from this film: if you’re going to disguse yourself so no one knows you’re a superhero. DON’T wear glasses!

Next movie: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

I Watch The Planet of the Apes Franchise So You Don’t Have To: Planet of the Apes

This week we have another new movie franchise and this time it’s Planet of the Apes. This movie has been rebooted a couple of times, so we’re going to start from the very first film in 1968 and move on up. So, without further ado, here is what happens in Planet of the Apes.

Planet of the Apes, 1968

We start out in space with astronauts Taylor, Landon and Dodge as they awaken from the deep hibernation after a near-light-speed space voyage. Their spacecraft crashes into a lake on an unknown planet even though I thought it looked like Earth because the rocks looked like the Grand Canyon. The men abandon the sinking vessel and we find out the year is 3978, 2,060 years after their departure in 1972.

The men travel through what we find out later on is the Forbbiden Zone. They come across these scarecrow-like figures and a freshwater lake with trees and plants. While swimming in the lake, the men’s clothes are stolen and shredded by mute humans. As the men follow the humans to a cornfield, armed gorillas raid the field and capture Taylor, who gets shot in the throat, and the other humans. Unfortunately, Dodge is killed and Landon rendered unconscious in the chaos. Taylor is then taken to Ape City, where two chimpanzees, Zira, an animal psychologist, and Galen, a surgeon, save Taylor’s life. Unfortunately, Taylor’s injury makes him temporarily mute. This is very frustrating for the first half of the movie because he couldn’t tell them anything that was going on and where he was from and it was just a lot.

Planet of the Apes, 1968

Taylor gets stuck with a female captive who he names Nova. He watches an advanced society of talking apes with a strict caste system. Here’s the system: gorillas are the military force and laborers, orangutans oversee government and religion and intellectual chimpanzees are mostly scientists and doctors. The apes consider the humans vermin to be hunted and either killed, enslaved or used in scientfic experiment. So, in short, it’s basically our Earth now just swtiched, I mean, I don’t think we enslave gorillas or anything, but we do lock them up in zoos and treat them kind of bad for the most part, so this is sort of their way of getting back at us I guess. They literally believe evolution started with the humans.

Taylor convinces Zira and her fiance, Cornelius, that he is as intelligent as they are, one way by making a paper airplane and being able to write and read. Dr. Zaius, their orangutan superior, arranges for Taylor to be emasculated because Dr. Zaius didn’t want Taylor to have any kids that were as advanced as he was. Taylor escapes and finds Dodge’s stuffed corpse on display in a museum and is soon recaptured. In the process of being captured, he reveals that he can speak, finally which alarms the apes.

Planet of the Apes, 1968

So now the apes have a hearing to determine Taylor’s origins. Taylor mentions Landon and Dodge and then we learn that Landon was lobotomized and rendered catatonic. Believing that Taylor is from an unknown human tribe beyond their borders, Zaius threatens to castrate and lobotomize Taylor for refusing to reveal his origins. Which, might I add, he did. Several times. With the help of Zira’s nephew Lucias, Zira and Cornelius free Taylor and Nova and take them to the Forbidden Zone. This is where we find out that the Forbbidden Zone is a taboo region outside Ape City where Taylor’s ship crashed. Ape law has ruled the area out of bounds for centuries. Cornelius and Zira are intent to gather proof of an earlier non-simian civilization, which Cornelius discovered a year earlier.

In order to be cleared of heresy, Taylor tries to prove that he came from a different planet. When the group arrives at the cave, Cornelius is intercepted by Zaius and his soldiers. Taylor threathens to shoot Zaius, who agrees to enter the cave to disprove their theories. Inside, Cornelius displays remnants of a technologically advanced human society pre-dating simian history. Taylor identifies items as such dentures, eyeglasses, a heart valve and to the apes’ astonishment, a child’s talking doll. Zaius admits he has always known about the ancient human civilization and Taylor wants to search for answers and ignores Zaius’ warning that he may find an answer he doesn’t like.

Planet of the Apes, 1968

After Taylor and Nova are allowed to leave, Zaius has the cave sealed off to destroy the evidence while charging Zira, Cornelius and Lucius with heresy. Taylor and Nova follow the shoreline on horseback and eventually discover the remnants of the STATUE OF LIBERTY. I KNEW THEY WERE ON EARTH. This reveals that this “alien” planet is actually Earth after an apocalyptic nuclear war Because why not. Understanding Zaius’ earlier warning, Taylor falls to his knees in despair and condemns humanity for destroying the world as Nova looks on in confusion. The end.

Man, this movie was SO frustrating. What made it so frustrating was that Taylor couldn’t talk and he was advanced and no was listening to him or believing him. Then finding out that they were on Earth the whole time?!?! *sigh*. Here’s the lesson: Humans. Stop. What. You. Are. Doing.

Next movie: Beneath the Planet of the Apes