I Watch The Jaws Franchise So You Don’t Have To: Jaws

“Jaws” is a classic 1975 thriller directed by Steven Spielberg. The film tells the story of a small beach town, Amity Island, that is terrorized by a great white shark. The film is a timeless classic that remains a benchmark for the horror genre to this day.

One of the key strengths of “Jaws” is its ability to build tension and suspense. Spielberg masterfully creates a sense of unease and dread that slowly builds throughout the film, until it reaches its explosive climax. The film also features some of the most memorable and iconic scenes in cinema history, such as the attack on the young swimmer, the sinking of the Orca, and the final showdown with the shark.

Another highlight of the film is its incredible score, composed by John Williams. The famous two-note theme has become synonymous with the film and remains one of the most recognizable pieces of movie music of all time. (dun dun..dun dun…dun dun dun dun dun)

The performances in “Jaws” are also top-notch. Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss, and Robert Shaw all deliver excellent performances, bringing depth and nuance to their characters. The interactions between the three main characters are a highlight of the film, with their differing personalities and motivations providing the film with its dramatic tension.

However, it can also be a hilarious film when you think about it. It’s a movie that will have you on the edge of your seat… and in stitches! That’s right, this classic shark thriller is not only suspenseful, but it’s also side-splittingly hilarious.

First of all, let’s talk about the shark itself. This underwater beast is more comical than terrifying. With its rubbery skin and mechanical movements, it looks like a rejected animatronic from a theme park ride.

And don’t even get me started on the characters! Chief Brody, the fearless police chief, spends half the movie running away from the shark and the other half running towards it. And let’s not forget about Quint, the grizzled shark hunter with a love for show tunes. He belts out “Show Me the Way to Go Home” at the top of his lungs, sending audiences into fits of laughter.

But the real scene-stealer is the scene where the trio attempts to catch the shark with a giant barrel. It’s a laugh-out-loud moment that you won’t want to miss.

“Jaws” is a timeless classic that continues to be one of the greatest thrillers ever made. Its masterful direction, excellent performances, and iconic score make it a must-watch for fans of the genre, and for anyone who loves a good suspenseful tale, but also a hidden comedy gem. So if you’re in the mood for a good scare and a good laugh, be sure to give “Jaws” a watch!

Next movie: Jaws 2

I Watch The Fast and Furious Franchise So You Don’t Have To: 2 Fast 2 Furious

2 Fast 2 Furious. The sequel to The Fast and the Furious. Another car movie. What was the plot of this film? I’m about to tell you, but for those who have never seen these movies like me, it’s about cars, if you haven’t guessed. If you love cars and you haven’t see these movies, you should probably get on it. In short, Brian O’Conner and his friend Roman Pearce go undercover for the U.S. Customs Service to apprehend a drug lord in exchange for the erasure of their criminal records. No, Vin Diesl is not in this movie. Sorry. I didn’t notice he was gone, so I mean it wasn’t terrible. Anyway. Here’s the movie.

In Miami, Brian O’Conner makes a living participating in illegal street races organized by his mechanic friend Tej Parker. After winning a race against drivers including Suki, the police show up and Brian is arrested. He is given a deal by his former boss FBI Agent Bilkins and U.S. Customs Agent Markham to go undercover and bring down Argentinian drug lord Carter Verone in exchange for clearing his criminal record. They basically just want him back on the force at this point Brian agrees on the condition that he choose his partner.

Brian heads home to Barstow, California, where he enlists the help of Roman Pearce, a childhood friend who had served jail time and is under parole. Roman agrees, but only for the same deal Brian was offered. In Miami, Agent Monica Fuentes, undercover with Verone for a year, assists them into his organization. imagine being undercover for a year. And this girl has to like pretend to be in love with him and stuff. After acquiring confiscated vehicles and being hired by Verone as his drivers, the duo returns to a Customs/FBI hideout, where Roman confronts Markham over interference with the mission. So annoying, let these people do their jobs my dude. These cops gave Brian and Pearce and like a day and they already assumed they were running away. Chill out people. Brian informs Bilkins and Markham that Verone plans to smuggle the money into his private jet and fly off.

To evade their GPS traces, Brian and Roman challenge a pair of muscle car drivers they raced earlier for pink slips. Despite engine and power output handicaps, Brian and Roman manage to win the race and the other two cars. Roman confronts Brian about his attraction to Monica and the constant threat of Verone’s men, but they patch up their differences. At a nightclub, Brian and Roman witness Verone torturing MPD Detective Whitworth into giving his men a window of opportunity to make their getaway. The next morning, Monica warns them that they will be killed once the drop is made. Despite this, Markham refuses to call off the job, claiming that it is their one chance to catch Verone. That is a lot of dedication right there.

On the day of the mission, Brian and Roman begin transporting duffel bags of Verone’s money with two of Verone’s men—Enrique and Roberto—riding along to watch them. Before the 15-minute window is set, Whitworth, the detective in charge, decides to call in the police to move in for the arrest, resulting in a high-speed chase across the city. The duo leads the police to a warehouse, where a “scramble” by dozens of street racers organized by Tej disorients the police. For someone who doesn’t care at all about this movie, this was probably the best scene. Following the scramble, the police manage to pull over the wanted cars, only to find out that they were driven by Tej and Suki.

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As Brian approaches the destination point in a Yenko Camaro, Enrique tells him to make a detour away from the airfield to the Tarpon Point Marina exit. Meanwhile, Roman gets rid of Roberto by using an improvised ejector seat in his Dodge Challenger powered by nitrous oxide. At the airfield, Customs Agents have Verone’s plane and convoy surrounded, only to discover they have been duped into a decoy maneuver while Verone is at a boatyard miles away. sounds about right. Verone reveals he knew Monica was undercover, and gave her the wrong destination point and plans to use her as leverage. Oh yeah “he knew” maybe he was suspicious and this was a test to see if he was right, but I don’t think he knoew. When Brian arrives at the marina, Enrique prepares to kill him; Roman appears and helps incapacitate Enrique. Verone escapes aboard his private yacht, but Brian and Roman drive the Yenko Camaro off a ramp, crashing on top of it. The duo apprehend Verone and save Monica.

As part of the deal, Markham clears Brian and Roman’s criminal record, and in return Roman turns over the second half of Verone’s cash. The two agree to stay in Miami, and Brian suggests opening a garage—funded by a cut of Verone’s cash Roman kept for themselves. The end.

And that was the movie. Nothing too crazy or extravagent. I mean if you actually watch it then you know, all the action scenes will speak for themselves. I don’t really know what kind of lesson I got from this film, maybe, don’t be stupid while undercover? I mean Monica had to be doing something in order for Verrone to have his suspisions. I don’t know. If you do go undercover, be better at it. That’s all.

Next movie: The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

I Watch The Marvel Cinematic Universe So You Don’t Have To: The Incredible Hulk

We are back with another movie from the MCU! Like I said in my previous blog post for Iron Man, I am not watching these in chronological order I am watching this in release order, so that is why The Incredible Hulk is next on the list. For those of you who haven’t seen this movie, you might be a little confused with the cast, cause Hulk is not the Hulk we know now, as in, it’s a completely different person. It’s still a decent movie though. Anyway, here’s The Incredible Hulk.

At Culver University in Virginia, General Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross meets with Dr. Bruce Banner, the colleague and boyfriend of his daughter Betty, regarding an experiment that Ross claims is meant to make humans immune to gamma radiation. The experiment—part of a World War II-era “super soldier” program that Ross hopes to re-create—fails. The exposure to gamma radiation causes Banner to transform into the Hulk for brief periods of time, whenever his heart rate rises above 200 beats per minute. I don’t even think my heart has risen to 200 beats per minute, but who knows I’m no doctor. The Hulk destroys the lab and surrounding area, killing several people inside and injuring the General and Betty, and others outside. Banner becomes a fugitive from the U.S. military and Ross, who wants to weaponize the Hulk. Of course, cause you can’t just leave it alone we gotta weaponize it.

Five years later, Banner works at a bottling factory in Rocinha, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, while searching for a cure for his condition. On the internet, he anonymously collaborates with a colleague known only as “Mr. Blue.” He is learning Yoga techniques to help keep control and has not transformed in five months. After Banner cuts his finger, a drop of his blood falls into a bottle, which is eventually ingested by an elderly consumer in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, giving him gamma sickness. This is the Stan Lee cameo. Using the bottle to track down Banner, Ross sends a special forces team, led by Emil Blonsky, to capture him. Banner transforms into the Hulk and defeats Blonsky’s team, with Blonsky surviving. After Ross explains how Banner became the Hulk, Blonsky agrees to be injected with a small amount of a similar serum, which gives him enhanced speed, strength, agility, and healing powers but also begins to deform his skeleton and impairs his judgment. That’s gross. I would never EVER take this. I would have to like see a bunch of tests and do a bunch of research before taking that. I’m not turning into the Hulk alright. It’s not happening.

Banner returns to Culver University and reunites with Betty. Banner is attacked a second time by Ross and Blonsky’s forces, tipped off by Betty’s suspicious and stupid and annoying and I wanna punch him in the face boyfriend, Leonard Samson, causing Banner to again transform into the Hulk. The ensuing battle outside the university proves futile for Ross’s forces, and they retreat, though Blonsky, whose sanity is faltering, attacks and mocks the Hulk. The Hulk severely injures Blonsky and flees with Betty. This whole scene is like King Kong to be honest haha. After the Hulk reverts to Banner, he and Betty go on the run, and Banner contacts Mr. Blue, who urges them to meet him in New York City. Mr. Blue is actually cellular biologist Dr. Samuel Sterns, who tells Banner he has developed a possible antidote to Banner’s condition. After a successful test, he warns Banner that the antidote may only reverse each transformation. Sterns reveals he has synthesized Banner’s blood samples, which Banner sent from Brazil, into a large supply, to apply its “limitless potential” to medicine. Stupid idiot Fearful of the Hulk’s power falling into the military’s hands, Banner wishes to destroy the blood supply.

A recovered Blonsky joins Ross’s forces for a third attempt to take Banner into custody. These guys don’t quit. They succeed, and Banner and Betty are taken away in a helicopter. Blonsky stays behind and orders Sterns to inject him with Banner’s blood, as he covets the Hulk’s power. The experiment mutates Blonsky into the Abomination, a creature with size and strength surpassing that of the Hulk. He attacks Sterns, who gets some of Banner’s blood in a cut on his forehead, causing him to begin mutating as well. The Abomination rampages through Harlem. Realizing that the Hulk is the only one who can stop the Abomination, Banner convinces Ross to release him. He jumps from Ross’s helicopter and transforms after hitting the ground. After a battle throughout Harlem, the Hulk defeats the Abomination by nearly strangling him to death with a chain but spares his life upon hearing Betty’s plea and leaves the Abomination for Ross and his forces to arrest. “To Arrest” what are they going to use to arrest him? After having a peaceful moment with Betty, the Hulk flees New York.

A month later, Banner is in Bella Coola, British Columbia. Instead of suppressing his transformation, he begins to transform in a controlled manner with a slight smirk. Later, Tony Stark approaches Ross at a local bar and informs him that a team is being put together. I wonder what the team is…..The end.

Well that was the movie. It was a decent movie for it being made in 2008. If they made it this year it probably would have been a whole lot better, but who knows. For those who haven’t seen it, I recommend giving it a try, gather your friends and have a Marvel marathon party I don’t know. The lesson I learned from this film: Don’t volunteer for something that hasn’t been well tested, especially if it has to do with your health and immunity.

Next movie: Iron Man 2

I Watch The Scary Movie Franchise So You Don’t Have To: Scary Movie

If you have never seen Scary Movie you probably should. It is a just full of chaos. This movie is a parody of multiple genres including the horror, slasher, and mystery film genres. Several 1990s films and TV shows are spoofed, however the film primarily follows the plot of Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer with some scenes from other horror films being parodied as well. HOWEVER this is not a movie you want to watch with your kids or younger sibling! Trust me. For those who haven’t seen this film, here’s what you’re missing, and let me tell you, this blog won’t do it justice.

Drew Decker receives a threatening phone call while home alone. Drew is chased outside by somebody dressed as Ghostface, who stabs her in the breast, removing one of her silicone implants. what did I tell you A vehicle driven by her father, who is distracted by receiving fellatio from his wife, hits her, and she looks up to her murderer just before her throat is slit by the killer.

Cindy Campbell meets up with her boyfriend Bobby and her friends, Brenda, Ray, Greg, Shorty and Buffy. Various news teams, including hack reporter Gail Hailstorm, converge on the school in the wake of Drew’s murder. Gail hooks up with Buffy’s intellectually disabled brother Special Officer Doofy, hoping to milk the facts out of him.

While Cindy is in class, she notices the killer watching her from outside and then receives an ominous note and realizes Drew was murdered exactly one year after she and her friends accidentally killed a man. First of all, the guy wasnt even dead, they hit him with the car and while they were all freaking out, he was trying to tell them he was fine and then they threw something knocking him out, so they put him in the trunk and then threw him in the water. HE WAS ALIVE THE WHOLE TIME GUYS.

After football practice, Greg notices a picture of his minuscule genitals on his locker saying “I KNOW” on it. He accuses Ray who, throughout the whole film gives hints that he’s most likely gay, which nothing wrong with that, but if you watch the film, you would know why I needed to make a note on it of taking the picture and nearly fights him. Cindy tells Greg and the others about the note she got and that they need to tell the police but Greg beats her instead like literally punching and kicking her telling them to not involve the police, afraid of going to prison for the murder they committed the previous year.

At Buffy’s beauty pageant that evening, Greg is killed by the killer in plain view while the audience mistakes Buffy’s pleas for help as being part of her act of dramatic reading, but Buffy wins the pageant, forgetting about Greg. this girl smh

After Cindy goes home alone, the killer attacks her but retreats when Cindy contacts the police. Bobby arrives and is arrested after a cellphone, knife and gloves fall out of his pocket. As Cindy spends the night at Buffy and Doofy’s place, she receives a mocking call from the killer.

The following day, Bobby is released from jail. Buffy is beheaded by the killer with a cleaver, though her severed head keeps talking and is subsequently locked in a lost and found bin. They never found her head btw That night, Gail and her cameraman, Kenny, go to Lovers Lookout, a teen makeout spot, to get a murder on camera and films the killer murdering a girl named Heather. SHE FILMS IT The killer then chases Gail and Kenny into the woods and murders Kenny, while Gail gives a snot-filled apology to his family, a parody of one of the scenes in The Blair Witch Project. Yeah this was gross

Later that night, Ray and Brenda go to the movie theater to see Shakespeare in Love, where Ray is stabbed through his head in a bathroom stall while using a glory hole. he was stabbed by a penis btw The killer goes after Brenda but angry movie patrons, who are fed up with Brenda’s rude and obnoxious behavior, begin stabbing her to make her stop and also for ruining Shakespeare in Love and several other movies like Thelma and Louise, The Fugitive, Schindler’s List, the Jackie Chan movies, Boogie Nights, and Big Momma’s House until Brenda drops dead, much to the audience’s relief. I feel like, there are times where I just want to shut people up to haha…don’t worry I would never actually murder them…just in my head.

Meanwhile, Cindy throws a house party, hoping for safety in numbers. Meanwhile, Cindy’s friend, Tina goes out to the garage to get more beer but is killed while trying to escape from the killer through a cat flap. During the party, Cindy and Bobby go upstairs and have sex. While in the basement, the killer shows up and gets stoned with Shorty and his friends, but ends up killing all of them except Shorty. After Cindy and Bobby have sex, the killer appears and stabs Bobby before disappearing. Cindy gets a gun from a drawer and Bobby follows. Shorty comes up from the basement, Bobby takes the gun and shoots him. Ray arrives on the scene, still alive.

Bobby and Ray confront Cindy in the kitchen and announce their intention to only kill her and her father, and that they are merely copying a real killer. Bobby admits being gay, while Ray denies being so. The plan backfires when Ray viciously stabs Bobby numerous times, angry because his favorite show, The Wayans Bros., has been canceled. sigh The killer abruptly arrives and stabs Ray. He and Cindy fight, with Cindy employing moves copied from The Matrix and kicking him out a window. However, the killer vanishes before the police arrive.

At the police station, Cindy and the sheriff discover that the killer was not David Keegan, the man whom Cindy and her friends accidentally killed a year earlier and realize that Doofy is the killer the whole time and was faking his disability. That means this guy faked his disability for like 26 years because his family literally didn’t know a thing. First of all….wouldnt the doctor know that he was faking it? I don’t know this movie is too much Doofy has already escaped with Gail Hailstorm after removing his disguise, a parody of the ending of The Usual Suspects. Upon finding his discarded backpack with his Ghostface mask and sharp knife in the street, Cindy begins screaming but is hit by a car, as the sheriff walks away.

In a mid-credits scene, Shorty is presumably giving advice on how to survive a horror movie but it is actually advice on how to successfully enact a Snatch-and-Run.

In a post-credits scene, Doofy is shown in his bedroom “breaking up” with the vacuum cleaner as though it were a real person with whom he had a relationship. The end.

If that didn’t make you want to watch the movie, I don’t know what will. It’s insane, I know, but it’s defintely a fun movie to watch with your friends when you just want to watch a stupid movie. I don’t even know what kind of lesson I learned from this film, to be honest I don’t think there really was a lesson, but if I had to make one it up, it would probably be: watch out for your siblings.

Next movie: Scary Movie 2

Andrew Watches The Hellraiser Franchise So You Don’t Have To: Hellraiser

Looks like we got two scary/horror films in a row! Lucky us, and by “us” I mean the people who hate scary movies like me. For those who don’t follow along to the blog, one, what are you doing? and two, I’m not a fan of scary movies, in fact I refuse to watch them. There will be the occasional time where I decide I should be okay for a scary movie and then night comes around and I instantly regret watching the movie. Like The Conjuring. I watched the second one twice and both times regretted it. Why did I watch it twice? You got me there. Anyway, this is for the people who want to brush up on the Hellraiser movies and/or the people who are too scared to watch it. Take it away Andrew!

This movie starts with a guy getting this cube thing from some other guy, it then cuts to cube guy sitting in a square of candles holding the cube and rearranging it like some high tech rubik’s cube. The cube springs to life after a few twists and turns and impales the guy with several hooks. What the hell is happening right now lmao. We then cut to an empty and seemingly abandoned house where we see what I can only assume is our villain for the first time, he reassembles the cube guy’s face, apparently those hooks from before tore the guy apart.

Now we cut to a couple moving into what seems to be the same house. The two get into an argument and explore the house by themselves, the husband, Larry, finds moldy food that’s covered in roaches and maggots, that’s exactly what I’d wanna see upon moving into a house. The wife, Julia, ends up finding these weird pornographic photographs of her brother-in-law and some women, they’re wearing these strange, paper-machet looking masks. Naturally, she keeps them. What the f**k is this movie. The phone starts to ring and the husband answers it revealing that he has a daughter, Kirsty. Kirsty swings by the house and talks to her dad when we cut to Julia who’s fantasizing about her brother-in-law when Kirsty walks in and asks if she has a towel. Julia points her toward the bathroom and makes a quick getaway to the attic to continue her fantasy. Larry cuts his hand pretty badly on a nail and he walks into the room to find Julia, he drips blood all over the floor and as Julia is checking on his hand we see the blood being absorbed into the floor. The two head to the hospital and we see the floorboards in that same room start shaking as a humanoid skeleton bursts from the floor and screams.

We cut away to Larry, Julia and Kirsty having dinner with another family. Julia excuses herself from the dinner and, if it wasn’t already made clear before, it’s made pretty clear here that she’s unhappy with her marriage or her life..or both. Julia heads up to the attic room again and sees this disgusting pile of sludge on the ground before the skeleton grabs her leg. She tries to run when the skeleton calls to her by name. This skeleton reveals himself to be Frank, the brother-in-law. He says that Larry’s blood dripping onto the floor has brought him back to life. Frank tells Julia that he needs her to heal him, when she asks how he says the blood brought him this far and he needs more. Julia agrees to help Frank and Kirsty has a strange dream about seeing her father’s dead body so she calls him up. The next morning Julia goes out by herself and picks up another man. She brings him back to the house and leads him up into the attic and kills him with a hammer. Frank crawls over to the body but we don’t get to see what he does with it, instead we follow Julia into the bathroom as she tries to wash all the blood off of her. Upon reentering the room she sees what remains of the dead man and Frank, who has gained more skeletal and muscular form but is still a monstrous looking thing.

Frank reveals that he needs one or two more bodies to fully recover so he can run away from the Cenobites, what those are I don’t know but I guess we’ll find out. We cut to Kirsty at work and we can see she’s being followed by some dirty looking homeless man. She tells him to leave and, before doing so, he takes a handful of what appear to be crickets and eats them. Shortly afterwards we see Julia kill another guy and Frank heals further. Frank tells Julia about the cube he had gotten in the beginning and he explains that it can open doors, and the Cenobites tortured him visciously after he activated the cube. The Cenobites are shown to be disgusting looking creatures. After this, Larry and Julia are watching a boxing match when Frank screams and bangs on the wall, prompting Larry to go upstairs to check it out. Julia tries her best to dissuade him but he goes into the room anyway and sees…nothing, Frank isn’t there. The two head back to their bedroom and we see a quick glimpse of Frank rushing to hide in the closet. Frank emerges from the closet as Larry is on top of Julia and he cuts a rat clean in half in front of her and then leaves. I really don’t know what the hell I’m watching, like, what the f**k was that lmao.

Frank urges Julia to find someone else for him to “absorb,” I don’t know what else to call it, and Kirsty sees her leading the man into the house. Julia performs the murderous act and Kirsty hears a struggle and enters the house. She makes her way upstairs and she witnesses Frank finishing off his victim. Frank pulls her into the room and shuts the door behind him, he tries to kill her but she manages to get away and she gets a hold of the cube, throwing it out the window to distract Frank and running out of the house. After making it out of the house she takes the cube and continues walking down the street before hallucinating about Frank and passing out. She wakes up in a hospital only to find herself locked in the room. She starts to mess with the cube and it emits these lights as it begins to change form again, opening a door in the hospital room wall that, of course, Kirsty decides to enter. Why do people in these movies insist on making the stupidest possible decisions? Kirsty makes her way down a dark hallway, hearing a baby crying before coming face to face with this hideous creature, the thing chases her back out of the hallway, snapping its claws at her every step of the way.

Kirsty makes it back to her hospital room but the weird s**t ain’t over yet, the room’s walls start breaking apart when the Cenobites appear. They are about to bring Kirsty to hell and torture her just like they did to Frank, but Kirsty manages to tell them that she can lead them to Frank, the one person who has escaped them. The Cenobites agree to her terms but warn her that if she’s lying, they’ll make sure she pays dearly. Kirsty rushes home to warn her dad about what’s going on and she hugs what she thinks is her dad. Larry is looking a little worse for the wear, his face looks like it’s sewn on and idk how Kirsty doesn’t notice it. Kirsty finally realizes that Frank has killed her father and is wearing his face. Frank and Julia are about to kill Kirsty when she moves out of the way just before Frank swings his knife, sending it into Julia’s gut instead of Kirsty’s. Frank pulls the knife from Julia’s body and chases after Kirsty, who is now hiding upstairs. Frank corners Kirsty in the attic with her fathers dead body, before he gets the chance to kill her, the Cenobites show up and begin chaining him up again until he explodes. Kirsty exits the room just as this happens when one of the Cenobites stops her from leaving the house.

Kirsty gets a hold of the cube again and, just before the Cenobites can take her away, she begins to reverse the process of the cube, sending them back to wherever the hell they came from, not without destroying the house in the process. Kirsty’s boyfriend Steve shows up at the house, he’s been pretty irrelevant up until this point, and the cube opens one final doorway. The monster from earlier shows up again and tries to get at Kirsty and Steve until Kirsty finally finishes solving the puzzle cube and closing all the doors for good. The two seemingly burn the house down and Kirsty tosses the cube into the fire. While everything is burning, the dirty homeless man from earlier shows back up, reaches into the fire to grab the cube, catches fire and then turns into a giant skeletal dragon looking thing before flying off with the cube. All I can say about that is, what the f**k lol. The movie ends the same way it started, with the same man giving the cube away to another sorry soul. The end.

Having never seen this movie before I didn’t really know what to expect and I can honestly say, I was not expecting that lmao. Overall I thought it was a good movie and I’d recommend it if you want to be taken on quite a ride. What I’ve learned here is that: if a strange man approaches you with a gold cube asking “What’s your pleasure?” that’s when you turn around and walk in the opposite direction.

Next movie: Hellbound: Hellraiser II

Andrew Watches The Saw Franchise So You Don’t Have To: Saw

This week, Andrew watched the Saw franchise because if you’re anything like me, you refuse to watch that movie. For those who don’t know me that well, I HATE scary movies, I know most of you are probably thinking “this movie isnt even that scary” I don’t care I will figure out a way to get scared, trust me. So this blog is for all those people out there who want to understand what’s going on in the scary movie world, but are too afraid to actually watch it. You’re welcome. Andrew, take it away.

We start off this wonderful film seeing a man submerged in water in a bathtub with his foot chained to the floor. He soon finds out that he’s not alone in the room, that room being a disgusting old bathroom. The lights come on to reveal that there are two men chained up in the room along with a third one who seems to have shot himself. Not even five minutes into the movie and the shits already started lol. One man introduces himself as “Very f**king confused” and the other reveals himself to be a doctor named Lawrence. The two talk about how they ended up there before Mr. Confused finally says his name is Adam. Adam and Lawrence both check their pockets and they both find tapes labeled “Play Me,” but Lawrence also has a bullet and a key with his tape. Unfortunately the key doesn’t work on any of the locks that are keeping them chained up so they find a way to play their tapes. The two listen to their tapes and we hear the voice of our killer for the first time. The tapes reveal that these two men are a part of some morbid game and Lawrence’s “goal” in the game is to kill Adam by 6:00. If Lawrence doesn’t kill Adam by 6:00 then his family will be killed and he’ll be left to die in the room.

The men continue to work together to get free and manage to find two saws and try to cut their chains, but quickly realize that’s not going to work. Adam’s saw broke but Lawrence realizes that the saws aren’t there to cut through the chains, they’re meant to cut off their feet. This is when Lawrence says he thinks he knows who’s done this to them, a criminal known as the Jigsaw killer. We get to see some flashes from other crimes that Jigsaw has committed, along with the only woman who’s survived any of his game so far. How did she survive you ask? Well she had to cut open the stomach of another guy in the room with her that she was told was dead, news flash, he wasn’t, yet. We’re back in the bathroom with Adam and Lawrence. Lawrence tosses his wallet to Adam to show him a picture of his daughter which is when Adam finds a photo of Lawrence’s wife and daughter tied up with a note written on the back. The note says “X marks the spot, sometimes you see more with your eyes shut.” Adam keeps this photo and note hidden from Lawrence.

Now we see Jigsaw tying up Lawrence’s wife and daughter and it’s revealed that there was a detective, called Tapp, watching Lawrence’s apartment because he thinks Larry is Jigsaw. This detective is obsessed with catching Jigsaw as it is shown he has newspaper clippings from all his attacks taped up on his wall. Flashback time: Tapp finds some clues that could lead to where Jigsaw is holed up so he and his partner head out to investigate the location. They find a diorama depicting the situation with Lawrence and Adam in the bathroom, Jigsaw’s iconic puppet and a man hooked up to some sort of machine. They’re about to try to free the man when Jigsaw himself comes back and the two cops hide so that they can catch Jigsaw, they reveal themselves but the killer triggers the machine which, as he says, will drill into the man’s skull unless they can free him in 20 seconds. Tapp gets the killer down to his knees and his partner disables the killing machine before Jigsaw reveals a hidden blade he had attached to his arm and promptly sliced Tapp’s throat. Jigsaw runs off and is pursued and shit by Tapp’s partner. The officer approaches Jigsaw’s body but he steps on a tripwire which triggers a shotgun, that is wired up above him, to go off and blow his head off. Jigsaw then stands up and runs off leaving Tapp bleeding from the throat and his partner dead on the ground. I think I can understand Tapp’s obsession with finding the killer now.

And we’re back to the bathroom. It’s been a while since I’ve seen this movie so I forgot most of it takes place in this one room. Adam and Lawrence decide to turn off the lights and that’s when they see an X on the wall behind Lawrence. Inside the wall is a box with a cellphone, a lighter, a cigarette and a note that reads “The cigarettes are harmless, I promise. Smoking is only poisonous when it ends in blood shed. Think about this – you don’t need a gun to kill Adam.” Lawrence tries to call the cops using the cellphone but realizes that the phone can’t make calls, but it can receive them. Lawrence wants to know how Adam knew to turn off the lights and, after some arguing, Adam shows Lawrence the picture of his tied up wife and daughter with the note scrawled on the back. Lawrence breaks down at this sight, but after getting himself together he works out a plan with Adam to make it look like he was killed, but Jigsaw just electrocuted Adam to confirm he’s still alive.

After a flashback of how Adam got captured, the cell phone rings and Lawrence picks it up, the voice on the other end is his daughter’s and she’s begging him to help her. Before the call ends, Lawrence’s wife comes on the phone and tells him not to believe what Adam says and that Adam knows who Lawrence is, in the flashback it was shown that Adam had been taking pictures of Lawrence. Adam tells Lawrence that he’s been following him and taking photos of him, he was hired to find proof that Lawrence was cheating on his wife. As it turns out Lawrence was going to cheat on his wife but upon arriving at the motel to meet the girl he was gonna bang he had second thoughts. As he was about to leave though, the telephone rang and a man’s voice on the other end said “I know what you’re doing, Doctor.” Lawrence quickly leaves and then was captured.

Adam reveals that it was Detective Tapp, former detective at this point, who hired him to take photos of Lawrence. So he actually wasn’t hired to catch Lawrence cheating, he was hired to find out if Lawrence was Jigsaw. Adam looks through the pictures he took of Lawrence and he sees another guy in one of them. Upon showing Lawrence the man, it’s revealed to be an Orderly that works with Lawrence at the hospital named Zep. The two have finally figured out who’s been holding them captive but, of course, they do so only seconds before the clock strikes 6:00. Zep is getting ready to go kill Lawrence’s wife and daughter but his wife managed to free herself and wrestle Zep’s gun away from him. She gets a hold of the phone to call Larry while holding Zep at gun point. Of course Zep takes this opportunity to grab for the gun. I’ll never understand why, in these situations, they don’t just shoot the killer, like, why take the risk just put the guy down. Luckily though, former detective Tapp heard gunshots going off so he charges into the house. Tapp injures Zep but he takes off out of the house after triggering an electric shock into Lawrence’s chains. Tapp chases after Zep while Lawrence is just in shambles, to be fair he thinks he just listened to his wife and daughter be murdered.

Lawrence has clearly lost his mind at this point and he pulls off his shirt, tying it tightly around his calf before grabbing the saw and beginning to cut off his foot. While that fun stuff is happening, Tapp manages to actually catch up to Zep and beat the hell out of him before being shot and killed in a struggle for Zep’s gun. Lawrence has gotten free at this point and he’s made his way to the revolver that was laying in the dead man’s hand. He loads his one bullet into the gun and fires it straight into Adam. I mean if he thinks his family is already dead idk why the hell he shot Adam. Zep opens the door to the bathroom and is about to shoot Lawrence before Adam springs into action and knocks Zep to the floor before bashing his head in with the toilet cover. Adam is still chained up so Lawrence crawls out of the bathroom to go and get help but my man is really not lookin good at his point, considering he’s bleeding profusely from the spot where his foot used to be. After Lawrence leaves, Adam searches Zep’s pockets and finds another tape recorder. Upon pressing play he hears a familiar voice coming through, telling Zep that he must murder Lawrence’s family in order to get the antidote for a slow acting poison that is working its way through his system. This is when the presumed dead body that was laying on the bathroom floor the entire time stands to its feet, before telling Adam the keys to his restraints are in the bathtub, thus revealing that Jigsaw was in the room with them the entire time. The movie ends with Jigsaw turning off the lights and saying “Game over!” Before slamming the door on a screaming Adam. The end.

It’s been a long while since I’ve seen this movie and I forgot how good it was lol, like I said earlier most of the movie takes place in one room and even with that this movie still manages to tell a very compelling and horrifying story. Overall, I can say the lesson is: if you end up chained up in a room like that to play some sick game, you’re probably better off just accepting death.

Next movie: Saw II

I Watch The Terminator Franchise So You Don’t Have To: Terminator 2: Judgement Day

This week we got another Terminator movie, which happens to be my boyfriend’s favorite of the Terminator movies, which I can understand why. For sequal, it does pretty good, obviously the first movie of any franchise, maybe not including the MCU, is usually the better one because that’s the “classic” one. Similar to the many other blog posts I post I have never seen this franchise so this was all new to me. But enough about me, let’s get into Terminator 2.

In 2029, not so far in the future anymore…Earth is a wasteland dominated by the war between the malevolent artificial intelligence (AI) Skynet and the human resistance. Skynet sends back in time the T-1000—an advanced, prototype, shape-shifting Terminator made of virtually indestructible liquid metal—to kill the resistance leader John Connor when he is a child. I have to say these T-1000 things are pretty cool To protect Connor, the resistance sends back a reprogrammed T-800 Terminator, a less-advanced metal endoskeleton that is covered in synthetic flesh. you got that right…Arnold has returned.

In 1995 in Los Angeles, John’s mother Sarah has been incarcerated at Pescadero State Hospital for her violent, fanatical efforts to prevent “Judgment Day”—the prophesied events of August 29, 1997, when Skynet will gain sentience and, in response to its creators’ attempts to deactivate it, incite a nuclear holocaust. John is taken in by foster parents; he considers Sarah’s beliefs to be delusional and resents her efforts to prepare him for his future role.

The T-800 and the T-1000 converge on John in a shopping mall and a chase ensues. John and the T-800 escape together. John calls to warn his foster parents but the T-800 deduces the T-1000 has already killed them. dang Realizing the T-800 is programmed to obey him, John forbids it from killing people and orders it to save Sarah from the T-1000. The T-800 and John intercept Sarah during an escape attempt but Sarah flees because the T-800 resembles the Terminator that was sent to kill her in 1984. poor Arnold John and the T-800 persuade her to join them, and they escape the pursuing T-1000. Although distrustful of the T-800, Sarah uses its knowledge of the future to learn that a revolutionary microprocessor Cyberdyne Systems engineer Miles Bennett Dyson is developing will be essential for Skynet’s creation.

Over several days of their journey, Sarah sees the T-800 serving as a friend and father figure to John, who teaches it catchphrases and hand signs as well as encouraging it to become more human-like. Sarah plans to flee with John to Mexico until a nightmare about Judgment Day persuades her to kill Dyson, whom she assaults in his home, but finds she cannot kill him and relents. John arrives and reconciles with Sarah while the T-800 convinces Dyson of the future consequences of his work. Dyson reveals his research has been reverse engineered from the 1984 Terminator’s damaged CPU and severed arm. Believing his work must be destroyed, Dyson, Sarah, John, and the T-800 break into Cyberdyne, retrieve the CPU and the arm, and set explosives to destroy the lab. I’m just happy this guy believed them because I was not about to have to listen to this guy be stupid and be like “no that’s not going to happen” The police assault the building and fatally shoot Dyson but he detonates the explosives as he dies. The T-1000 pursues the surviving trio, eventually cornering them in a steel mill.

Sarah and John split up to escape while the T-1000 battles and mangles the T-800, and deactivates it by destroying its power source. The T-1000 assumes Sarah’s appearance to lure out John but Sarah intervenes and repeatedly shoots it, pushing it toward the edge of the platform, which stands above a vat of molten steel, but she runs out of ammunition before it falls. The T-800, having been reactivated using an alternate power source, arrives and shoots the T-1000 with a grenade launcher, causing it to fall into the molten steel and disintegrate.

John throws the CPU and severed arm into the vat. The T-800 explains it must also be destroyed to prevent its CPU from serving as a foundation for Skynet. The pair hug and John tearfully orders the T-800 to stay but it persuades John its destruction is the only way to protect their future. Sarah shakes the T-800’s hand, having come to respect it, and helps lower it into the vat. Before its destruction, the T-800 gives the humans a thumbs-up sign. Sarah is driving down a highway with John; she reflects on her renewed hope for an unknown future, musing if the T-800 could learn the value of life, so can humanity. The end.

Wooow what a movie. Wasn’t it great? I know it’s a lot better to watch than to read so I guess this is more of a summary of what happened for you to brush up on or if you don’t have time to watch it for the first time then you understand what’s going on in the world. Oh, for those who have never seen this movie, this is where the phrase “hasta la vista baby” is from. The lesson I learned from this film: don’t frick with technology or robots, they WILL come after you.

Next movie: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

I Watch The X-Men Franchise So You Don’t Have To: X-Men

Welp folks, this week we got another Marvel movie, but not the Marvel movie you were probably hoping for sorry MCU fans. This week we are watching the X-Men franchise from 20th Century FOX BEFORE it was bought by Disney. I’ve seen all the movies and they’re pretty good. I’m hoping that Disney keeps the same cast for “their” adaptation of this franchise, however I just read that Jennifer Lawerence is possibly playing Sue Storm in Fantastic Four and if you’ve seen these movies you would know that Jennifer Lawerence plays young Mystique, so I think they already screwed up, but it’s fine whatever we’ll see what happens. ANYWAY if you haven’t seen these movies, what are you doing! Go on Disney+ right now and watch it! … or maybe wait until you’re done reading this and THEN go and watch it so you can SEE everything I just described. Enought chit-chat, let’s get into X-Men.

In 1944, in Nazi-occupied Poland, young Erik Lehnsherr my favorite character to be honest is separated from his parents upon entrance into the Auschwitz concentration camp. While he attempts to reach them, he causes a set of metal gates to bend toward him before being knocked out by the guards. he probably has one of the coolest powers and it’s very unique, while controlling minds and mind readng and all that is also very cool, this guy’s power is so different from everyone else. I also just love Ian McKellen so….hehe In the not-too-distant future, U.S. Senator Robert Kelly attempts to pass a “Mutant Registration Act” in Congress, which would force mutants to reveal their identities and abilities. Present are Lehnsherr, now going by the name “Magneto”, because you know…he can control metal and his telepathic colleague Professor Charles Xavier. Xavier sees Lehnsherr in attendance and is concerned with how he will respond to the Registration Act. hint he’s not that thrilled.

In Meridian, Mississippi, 17-year-old Marie D’Ancanto I hate this girl…I don’t have a good reason for it, she just bothered me accidentally puts her boyfriend into a coma after she kisses him, because her mutant ability absorbs the power and life force of others. She runs away from home and adopts the name Rogue. In Alberta, she meets Logan, also known as “Wolverine”, a mutant who possesses superhuman healing abilities and metal “claws” that protrude from between his knuckles. They are attacked on the road by Sabretooth, a member of Magneto’s Brotherhood of Mutants, but two members of Xavier’s X-Men, Cyclops and Storm, arrive and save them. Wolverine and Rogue are brought to Xavier’s school for mutants in Westchester County, New York, where Xavier tells Logan that Magneto appears to have taken an interest in him and asks him to stay while he investigates the matter. Rogue enrolls in the school.

Senator Kelly is abducted by Brotherhood members Toad and Mystique now this girl…she has a very dangerous ability. She can transform into basically anyone…she can even have the same voice. While mind reading and controlling metal may be pretty powerful, I think hers is probably the most dangerous, yet most helpful and brought to their hideout on the uncharted island of Genosha. Magneto uses Kelly as a test subject for a machine powered by his magnetic abilities that generates a field of radiation, which induces mutations in normal humans. Kelly later escapes by taking advantage of his newfound mutation. Rogue visits Wolverine during the night while he is having a nightmare. Startled, he accidentally stabs her, but she is able to absorb his healing ability to recover. This is observed by fellow students who arrived to help. She is later convinced by Mystique, who disguises herself as Rogue’s crush Bobby Drake, that Xavier is angry with her and she should leave the school. See what I mean Xavier uses his mutant-locating machine Cerebro to find Rogue at a train station, and the X-Men go to retrieve her. Meanwhile, Mystique enters Cerebro and sabotages it. This thing only opens by scanning Xavier’s eye….this girl managed to transform into Xavier and get in with ease. Another reason why she’s very dangerous.

Having left ahead of Storm and Cyclops, Wolverine finds Rogue on a train and convinces her to return to the school. Before they can leave, Magneto arrives, knocks out Wolverine and subdues Rogue, revealing it was Rogue who he wants rather than Wolverine. Although Xavier attempts to stop him by mentally controlling Sabretooth, he is forced to release his hold on Sabretooth when Magneto threatens the police who have converged on the train station, allowing the Brotherhood to escape with Rogue. Best scene in my opinion to be honest Kelly arrives at the school, and Xavier reads his mind to learn about Magneto’s machine. Realizing the strain of powering it nearly killed Magneto, the X-Men deduces he intends to transfer his powers to Rogue and use her to power it at the cost of her life.

Kelly’s body rejects his mutation, and his body dissolves into liquid. Xavier attempts to locate Rogue using Cerebro, but Mystique’s sabotage incapacitates him, and he falls into a coma. Fellow telekinetic and telepath Jean Grey fixes Cerebro and uses it, learning that the Brotherhood plans to place their mutation-inducing machine on Liberty Island and use it to “mutate” the world leaders meeting at a summit on nearby Ellis Island. The X-Men scale the Statue of Liberty, battling and overpowering the Brotherhood while Magneto transfers his powers to Rogue and activates the mutating machine. As Wolverine confronts and distracts Magneto, Cyclops blasts him away, allowing Wolverine to destroy the machine. He transfers his powers to Rogue and his healing abilities rejuvenate her, while incapacitating himself.

Professor Xavier and Wolverine recover from their comas. The group also learns that Mystique escaped the island battle and is impersonating Senator Kelly, despite being seriously injured by Wolverine. IT JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE WITH THIS GIRL Xavier gives Wolverine a lead to his past at an abandoned military installation in Canada. Magneto is imprisoned in a complex constructed of plastic and is visited by Xavier, and Magneto warns him that he intends to escape one day and continue the fight; Xavier replies that he will always be there. The end.

So that’s the movie. It’s so much cooler if you actually watch it, but I get it, you don’t got the time or you’re just refreshing yourself with what happened. Like I said earlier, this movie is available on Disney+. The lesson I learned from this film: Don’t mess with people who have powers, they will mess you up!

Next movie: X2: X-Men United

I Watch The Jurassic Park Franchise So You Don’t Have To: Jurassic Park III

Well would you look at that, we got two posts in a row! For those who aren’t following in real time this makes no sense to you, but that’s okay. If you couldn’t tell by the title we’re, and when I say “we’re” I mean my boyfriend and I, are watching Jurassic Park III. Very exciting. I think this is the furthest we got in a franchise so far, not including Disney or Mission: Impossible. Check my blog posts for that franchise as well! This movie was annoying and you’re about to find out why. So here is what Jurassic Park III is all about.

Twelve-year-old Eric Kirby and his mother’s boyfriend, Ben Hildebrand, go parasailing near the restricted Isla Sorna. Because you know, when an island is restricted it means you go parasailing near it. The boat’s crew is killed by an unknown attacker, wonder what it was *rolls eyes* prompting Ben to detach the line before the vessel crashes into rocks. I didn’t understand this, they were in the air with a parachute. If the boat hit the rocks would something really bad happen to them other than them being stranded on the rocks? Eric and Ben drift towards the island.

Eight weeks later, paleontologist Dr. Alan Grant struggles to secure funding for his Velociraptor research, and rebuffs the public’s obsession with the events on Isla Nublar. Keep this in mind Grant discusses his research with longtime colleague Ellie, hypothesizing that Velociraptors were socially advanced beyond even primates. In Montana, his assistant, Billy Brennan, uses a three-dimensional printer to replicate a Velociraptor larynx.

Paul and Amanda Kirby, a seemingly wealthy couple, and the most annoying people on the fricken planet, mostly Amanda offer to fund Grant’s research if he gives them an illegal aerial tour of Isla Sorna. Grant reluctantly agrees and flies there with Billy, the Kirbys’ associates Udesky and Cooper, and their pilot Nash. Grant learns that the Kirbys plan to land; he protests, but Cooper knocks him unconscious. Cause they know best and not the PALEONTOLOGIST WHO LITERALLY ALMOST DIED LAST TIME Grant awakens to find the plane has landed, and the group flees when a predator approaches the runway. As the group boards the plane, Cooper is left behind. The plane lifts off as a Spinosaurus emerges and devours Cooper. Nash hits the dinosaur, and the plane crashes into the jungle. The Spinosaurus attacks the plane and eats Nash, who has Paul’s satellite phone. Well that’s good The survivors flee, only to encounter a Tyrannosaurus. The two dinosaurs fight, and the Spinosaurus kills the Tyrannosaurus as the humans escape.

Grant confronts the Kirbys, who reveal they are a middle-class divorced couple searching for their son Eric and Amanda’s boyfriend Ben. meanwhile, they’re constantly screaming for Eric when like they shouldn’t be, and when I say “they” I mean fricken Amanda…just watch the video. Government agencies declined to help, so they deceived Grant and brought him along, mistakenly believing him to have experience on Isla Sorna. THESE PEOPLE ARE KILLING ME The group searches for Eric and Ben as they travel to the coast. They find Ben’s corpse attached to the parasail which Billy takes. They also stumble upon a Velociraptor nest, and Billy secretly places two eggs in his bag. We’re with a bunch of smart people today

They soon discover an InGen compound, where a Velociraptor attacks them, before vocalizing for its pack. The humans escape within a herd of Corythosaurus and Parasaurolophus, causing a stampede; Grant and Udesky are separated from the others. The Velociraptors trap Udesky and attempt to lure Paul, Amanda, and Billy from their place in a tree. You don’t understand how badly I wanted this dinosaur to eat Amanda and I’m sure after watching that video you’re feeling the same way. Failing to coerce the group into rescuing Udesky, a Velociraptor kills him before the pack departs. Grant observes the pack communicating and suspects that they are searching for something; I WONDER WHAT IT COULD POSSIBLY BE as he tries to slip away, they ambush him. Eric disrupts the pack with canisters of tear gas and brings Grant to an overturned supply truck where he has been taking shelter. The following morning, Grant and Eric reunite with Billy and the Kirbys; the group narrowly escapes the Spinosaurus.

Grant, suspicious of Billy, checks his bag and finds the Velociraptor eggs, which Billy reveals he planned to sell for funding. *sigh* Grant decides to keep the eggs in the hopes that the Velociraptors may spare them if the eggs are returned. The group then unknowingly enters into an aviary filled with Pteranodons. A flock attacks the group and flies away with Eric. Billy rescues him using the parasail but is swarmed and seemingly killed. The group escapes the aviary but unintentionally leave the cage unlocked. They board a small barge and make their way down a river. That night, they retrieve the ringing satellite phone from the dung of the Spinosaurus. These people are literally the luckliest people I have ever seen. That dinosaur could’ve sh*t literally anywhere Grant contacts Ellie and tells her where they are, but the Spinosaurus attacks the barge. Fuel from the boat leaks into the water, and Grant ignites it using a flare gun, forcing the Spinosaurus to permanently flee.

The following day, the group arrives at the coast but are surrounded by the Velociraptor pack. Grant uses the replica larynx to confuse the pack and present their eggs. Upon hearing distant helicopters, the raptors reclaim their eggs and disappear into the jungle. The U.S. Navy lands on the beach, summoned by Ellie, and rescue the survivors. This girl got connections okay On a helicopter, they discover that Billy has also been rescued, albeit in a seriously injured state. They watch the newly escaped Pteranodons fly alongside them as they leave the island. Cause what more could go wrong The end.

I hope reading that didn’t make you as annoyed as I was watching it. I’m excited to see the rest of the films, I’m pretty sure the next one is with Chris Pratt. I’m just too annoyed with the movie that I can’t say anything else. The lesson: Don’t fricken go where you’re not supposed to, ESPECIALLY if it has to deal with dinosaurs.

Next movie: Jurassic World

I Watch The Kingman Franchise So You Don’t Have To: Kingsman: The Secret Service

I know that I missed a week I’m sorry, but hey…you’re still going to get your weekly blog so don’t worry. I can’t tell you when, but it’s going to happen. Maybe you’ll get two in a row! Anyway, for this blog Andrew and watched the Kingsman Franchise, which I have never seen before or heard of before until maybe one or two years ago. All I know about it is that it’s a spy-type of movie, which I sometimes like, it depends on the day really.

This week, sorry I know I was late this week…or last week? I don’t know…last Saturday. Andrew and are watching the Kingsman Franchise, which I have never seen before or heard of before until maybe one or two years ago. It’s another spy movie, however this was a pretty cool spy movie. I usually like spy movies, but I gotta be in the mood for them if that makes sense. In short, the film follows “Eggsy” and his recruitment and training into a secret spy organization. So, without further ado, here is what you’re missing.

In 1997, probationary secret agent Lee Unwin sacrifices himself to save his superior, Harry Hart Harry is my guy. Blaming himself for Lee’s death, Harry returns to London and gives Lee’s young son Eggsy I dont know a medal engraved with an emergency assistance number.

Seventeen years later, Eggsy is a rebellious type of guy, having dropped out of training for the Royal Marines despite his intelligence and talent for gymnastics and parkour. Arrested for stealing a car, Eggsy calls the emergency number, leading Harry to arrange his release and subdue Eggsy’s abusive stepfather and his gang. Harry explains that he is a member of Kingsman, a private intelligence service founded by British elite who lost their heirs in World War I and put their money toward protecting the world; the organisation is named for the tailor shop in Savile Row used as a front for their operations. Very clever if you ask me

Harry, codename “Galahad”, nominates Eggsy to replace agent “Lancelot”, who was killed by the assassin Gazelle while trying to rescue radical climate change scientist Professor James Arnold from kidnappers. this movie came out in 2014 and it was more relevant today than it was in 2014 Kingsman’s technical support operative “Merlin” discovers Arnold working as though nothing has happened. Hart attempts to interrogate the professor at Imperial College London, but a microchip in Arnold’s neck explodes, killing him. The detonation signal is traced to Gazelle’s employer Richmond Valentine, a billionaire philanthropist who has offered everyone in the world SIM cards with free cellular and Internet access. Hart poses as another philanthropist to meet Valentine.

Eggsy befriends fellow Kingsman trainee Roxy, and endures Merlin’s he’s another agent by the way tests until they are the only candidates left. Eggsy refuses his final test — shooting a Pug puppy he was given to raise — and Roxy is named the new “Lancelot”. ugh whatever Harry learns of Valentine’s connection to a religious hate group and travels to their church in Kentucky, wearing glasses containing a video transceiver. As Eggsy watches Harry’s footage, Valentine triggers the SIM cards inside the church with a signal that causes the parishioners and Harry to become murderously violent. Harry is the only survivor, but is shot in the face by Valentine, apparently killing him. yeah this was not okay, I was very upset. VERY upset. And might I say that Harry DESTROYED everyone in that church.

Eggsy returns to Kingsman headquarters and notices that Chester “Arthur” King, Kingsman’s leader, has the same implantation scar on his neck as Professor Arnold. King reveals Valentine’s plan to transmit his violence-inducing signal worldwide, “culling” most of humanity to avert its extinction from global warming. Valentine has recruited various world leaders and wealthy elite to his cause, implanted with chips to protect them from the signal; those who refuse are held captive at his bunker, including Crown Princess Tilde of Sweden. King poisons Eggsy’s drink, but Eggsy switches glasses, letting King poison himself instead. dumb

Eggsy, Merlin, and Roxy locate Valentine’s bunker, where many of his conspirators are gathered. Roxy pilots high-altitude balloons to break up Valentine’s satellite network, but he secures a replacement. Merlin flies to the bunker, where Eggsy masquerades as King but is discovered by failed Kingsman recruit Charlie Hesketh. Cornered by Valentine’s men, Merlin activates the implanted chips’ failsafe, killing the guards and conspirators as heads explode around the world. Valentine activates the signal, triggering worldwide pandemonium. Eggsy kills Gazelle and impales Valentine with one of Gazelle’s sharpened prosthetic blades, stopping the signal, and shares a sexual encounter with Princess Tilde. yes it was in fact, very sexual.

In a mid-credits scene, Eggsy, now the new “Galahad”, offers his mother and half-sister a new home, and prepares to take on his stepfather and his gang, just as Harry did. best part of the film. The end.

Welp, there you have it. Another spy movie, that wasn’t like most spy movies, in my opinion anyway. These movies always make me wish I had the confidence to be a spy and do the things that they do, but you know, I don’t so I just sit behind this computer all day and write, which is fine too. This movie isn’t available to stream anywhere, I know annoying, so you’re going to have to rent it or buy it. The lesson I learned from this film: If you’re a troubled person, just become a spy.

Next movie: Kingsman: The Golden Circle